The Humor Mill

New Article By Orlando Jones Titled 'No Offense But…'

Posted Mar 2, 2012

Being a racist used to mean something. Now you’re a racist if you support Newt Gingrich. At least that’s what Glenn Beck says.

It seems like many things are considered racist today. If someone doesn’t like your shirt, you’re a racist. If they don’t like your dog, you’re a racist liberal. If they don’t like your BMW, you’re an elitist racist Nazi. Canadians are racist socialists. National Rifle Association members are racist terrorists. Christians are secular racists. That’s an oxymoron, and yes, I know: I’m an oxymoron and oxymorons are racist.

I thought having a Black president was going to move race relations forward. I thought it signaled the end of racism. I had no idea racism would get outsourced. A friend of mine who happens to be white explained to me how she only sleeps with black guys ’cause white guys are racist. After I explained to her that was the dumbest thing I have ever heard, she no longer wanted to hang out. Which proves the theory that if men would just shut up they could have a lot more sex. On the Internet nobody wants to shut up. Everybody wants to be heard. Racism on the Internet seems to be at an all time high. It doesn’t matter which website or the topic of discussion, there’s always one or two n-words in the organic baby food conversation. I honestly believe you could find the phrase Go Back To Mexico in the Klu Klux Klan chat room. Though I’m not sure many Mexican Americans are cruising the KKK website so I’ve no idea who that message is for.

The one thing that seems clear is this — there’s no such thing as a sacred cow when all cows are sacred. When you speak or write, no matter how careful you are there is a chance someone is going to be offended. Everyone acts like we all should know better than to say this or that. Like it was outlined in that iTunes update we all click agree to without reading.

Every step in a mine field is potentially dangerous. That is true whether you know you’re in a mind field or not. Can we agree on that? Can we agree on anything? I believe that air is good. I like air but I bet there’s some anti oxygen movement full of people who I think I’m an idiot for saying I like air. I love my wife. I’m sure Newt Gingrich loved all three of his wives. That’s probably offensive to single people or radical racist gay people or spouses whose husbands don’t love them. Let me offer my apologies now. When I said I love my wife I was not trying to offend anyone. I am not homophobic or against Newt Gingrich or single people. What I meant to say, when I said I love my wife, was I love my wife and I am deeply and sincerely sorry that the phrase I love my wife is offensive to Wife People. Some Wife People will accept this apology and others will say this comment is a publicity stunt and my sincere apology is insincere.

I used to think that Rodney King’s 1992 statement was so funny. I laughed out loud when he said, ” I just want to say, you know, can we all get along? Can we get along?…” That was nearly 20 years ago. All of us who laughed at Rodney King were wrong. Not for making a joke. For judging him, for thinking of him as a dumb criminal who wasn’t worthy of our attention.

Mr. King had no credibility so I laughed at him but in a world where credibility is hard to come by and impossible to hold on to I am listening more carefully and speaking less often. After all, I am a man and more sex is never a bad thing. Wait, I’m sorry. I did not mean to offended the celibate people or the virgins or anyone wearing a purity ring. I do not advocate sex. I love Twilight. I was only saying that I enjoy sex… that’s probably worse. I do not advocate porn or premarital sex or unsafe sex or sex with anyone other than yourself… damn. Masturbation is bad. God is good. Pray for the atheists though they don’t need your prayers and are entitled to their beliefs…

Look there’s Kim Kardashian. Where? Where? Oh wait, never mind she’s divorced Kris Humphries. Racist.

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