The Humor Mill

Orlando Jones' Top 20 Traveling Tips When Leaving The States!

Comedy News

Comedic actor Orlando Jones is back, and after several months of filming a movie and voicing a new series he is writing again. This time the article he submitted to us is about his traveling do’s and dont’s when traveling overseas, or just to another country.

Check out the article!

I know, I know, it’s been a while. I’ve been traveling, I’ve been working and you’ve been cheating on me reading those other blogs. It’s okay, I don’t hate you as much as I hate myself for not writing. So yes, I shot a movie in Bulgaria called Enemies Closer and now I’m back stateside. You can also catch me on Adult Swim’s new show Black Dynamite on Sundays or check out my new graphic novel Tainted Love at Before you do any of that can someone please explain to Bulgarian White People that you don’t just walk up to a Black man touch his face. You don’t let little Bulgarian kids run over, bite my ankle and scream, “Ooo Chocolaten!” I missed my Americans. When time permits all White Americans must tell the more authentic White Bulgarians the rules. You can listen and dance to Black music. You can eat Soul food or whatever kind of food Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles is… greasy coronary crudite, let’s call it… You can’t walk up and touch a Black man’s hair. it’s not kosher plus it’s weird. You don’t feed the animals at zoo? It’s just not done. Bulgaria was an emotional time. It was a good time. Hopefully, it’s great movie. That’s the part I can never be sure about. I wish I could guarantee enjoyment. No matter how hard you try that trick remains elusive.

That said, I come to you bearing gifts or maybe poison. I depends on your perception. I have traveled from Bulgaria to Paris to New York to San Diego, Comicon was awesome, to LA to Dallas to Sag Harbor to back again in the last two and a half weeks. Along the way I came up with my top 20 travel tips. Some witty, some not. Enjoy and I promise not to be disappear for so long.

1.  At 30k feet compression shorts, socks and shirts are your friend: They wick away moisture are anti-microbial for anti-stink, seamless so no chafe and help increase oxygen and blood flow. (I prefer zensah to under armor)

2.  Never check any of the following: your toothbrush, your prescription medications, your deodorant, your warm jacket, clean underwear, t-shirt and socks.

3.  How I avoid Jet Lag –  When you arrive at your destination, no matter how tired you are, stay up as late as possible. Push past the point of exhaustion, crash and wake up on local time. Always works for me.

4.  Addicted to internet? Luxury hotels will charge you for it. Budget hotels won’t. Any new 4g phone can create a hot spot. It’s approx 20 bucks a month and by far the fastest most available option. Plug in first hot spots suck battery life (insert joke here)

5.  Starving? Bring snacks. “Just fruit” or “Just Veggies” are awesome. The title “Just…” says it all. Any restaurants that posts its menu in more than three languages, has horrible food. Can you momma cook, authentic Italian, Japanese, German and Indian food? NO, she can’t and neither can the chef at the six language restaurant.

6.  All economy class seats are not created equal: Decide what’s important to you, find a website with airline seating diagrams and book as early as possible. Seat is very helpful.

7.  Everybody hates somebody? If the locals don’t like Texans, Black People, or Americans. Don’t panic. Be Canadian. Nobody hates Canadians. It’s a lot like drinking alcohol to get drunk this tactic just works.

8.  Scan your ID and make laser color copies: I can’t tell you how many times this has saved me in a pinch. Remember, in person they may not want to accept your color copies. On the phone or online as long as you have the correct info, they will accept anything. And yes, I have called a restaurant from outside and bought food with my lost credit card.

9.  Have an emergency contact close by? That’s what FaceBook is for. Help is less than 3 degrees of separation away. Identify someone close to where you will be. Store their info in several places. If you don’t want to hang with them, just send a note explaining how you’re Patrice’s friend and you MIGHT be coming to their area sometime soon.

10.  $170 Bucks can solve most problems: One hundred dollar bill, one fifty and one twenty. Almost every low level criminal, police officer or security worker in any country will turn a blind eye for one or all three of these bills. Do it quick and walk away.

11.  Border control agents DO NOT GET or APPRECIATE sarcasm. Period. End of Story. 

12.  Don’t pack clothes that require ironing. Hell, don’t even buy clothes that require ironing.

13.  Do not go into a McDonald’s. I don’t care what you say – McNuggets are McMystery Meat and McNasty. If you need fast food, keep it simple stupid. Hummus, guacamole, greek salad, fruit, nuts.

14.  PUT SOME DAMN SHOES ON!  DO NOT use the lavatory on an airplane in your bare feet. They don’t clean that shit EVER. “But my feet are swollen!” That’s because you didn’t buy the compression socks and shorts I told you to purchase. Now put some shoes on!!!

15.  No matter where you are skip the IMAX movie. They cost a fortune and every IMAX film in an aquarium or planetarium is the SAME. It’s literally the same movie being shown in different locations.

16.  The second you think of packing something, PACK IT. Stop reading this and pack it now. You know yourself better than anyone else in the world. Get the Zaltrex or Pepto-Bismol now. If you throw up in front of your boyfriend and he smells it, he can’t kiss that mouth. DON’T ASK ME WHY? HE JUST CAN’T DO IT! If you need it. Pack it. Now.

17.  I LOVE the Space Pak System  It’s saves me time and space and I don’t need a vacuum cleaner. Check out Flight 001 for more info.

18.  Everyone Loses Cords. I always travel with back up chargers for phone, computer etc. Invest. You won’t be sorry.

19.  Get Cash From an ATM Don’t exchange money before leaving home or at the airport. They best exchange rate is using your card at an ATM.

20.  Check out Rotary Club: Rotary Club International offers free travel and accommodations for businesspeople on group study exchanges. You don’t even have to be a member.

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1 Comment

  1. Tunie1

    Great info! As a lover of travel, I can attest to no less than 15 of these tips!

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