This article first appeared in this month’s issue of The Humor Mill!
I’ve done a lot of things in my short 73 years on this planet. I’ve washed cars, sold men’s cloths, ladies handbags, waterfall candles, vibrating pillows, security alarm systems, security bars (for people who didn’t want to buy the alarms), real estate, mortgages and pens by the gross. I’ve written for radio, TV and film. I’ve produced for all the mediums, authored books, traveled the world doing stand-up, lecturing, mentoring and managed to crank out a couple of kids along the way. I’m bored.
So I’ve decided to run for president. I know I won’t win. That’s the point. I really don’t want to be president. I want to be the Vice-President, but you can’t run for number 2. You have to make it look like you want to be the big cheese. Make it appear you can run the world where all you really want is free housing, a jet and VIP seating at Congressional gatherings. Let the other sucker worry about opinion polls. Give me Joe Biden’s job and with me in place nobody would dare harm old Hillary (and I do mean old). You think America really wants another black president? You think anybody black really wants to be president? That’s why I’ll be a shoe-in because it doesn’t matter who Hillary has with her on the ticket. All I’ve got to do is run so there’s a second place to pick. So my paperwork is filed and I’m ready to do the do. Barack got over on rhetoric and if nothing else I do have rhetoric. The Republicans, on the other hand, have nothing and nobody and a whole lot of both.
The GOP field this time out is even more laughable than 2012. In that debacle of a primary season you had elitists, a coon, several confused senators, a handful of ignorant governors and a teasing Donald Trump. This time not much has changed (Trump still teases) with none of the new candidates being anywhere remotely close to being a friend to the black man. Not that any past presidential campaigns have ever dwelled on or vetted that aspect of a candidates qualifications, but this is the Humor Mill and should address what’s really important to its core audience. Do you like niggas?
Let’s start with Jeb Bush. Nobody really wants this sucker. Nobody. He wasn’t on a secret dream list anywhere. He‘s merely the best the Establishment have at the moment, but they want him as much as they want another go round with Mitt Romney (who we know is no friend to the black man; especially the Ivy League one that beat the snot out of him in 2012) So let’s get it straight – Nobody wants Jeb Bush. He’s pudgy, a fat head and his last name is Bush. Now as a comedian I have no problem with it. I relish the opportunity to poke fun at another Bush for at least 4 more years. His brother’s tenure were golden days for humorists around the globe. Jeb would be just as much fun; as well as give us the never-thought-of-seriously opportunity to dust off old jokes about his old dustier wrinkle-bodied mama and boulder-head daddy. But the main point is Jeb is no buddy to Blacks. In 1994 Bush launched an unsuccessful bid for the Governor’s office. He ran that year as a conservative, and a notable moment in this campaign was when Bush was asked what he would do for African Americans if he gets elected, responding: “It’s time to strive for a society where there’s equality of opportunity, not equality of results. So I’m going to answer your question by saying: probably nothing.” Bush lost the election by only 63,940 votes out of 4,206,076 that were cast for the major party candidates. He’ll more-than-likely lose by a close margin to Hillary next year, but lose he will. And so those laugh-filled future days of ragging on him and his dysfunctional ass Kennedy-wannabes- yet-more- successful- on- the- dynasty- tip family will probably never crystalize.
Ted Cruz. I never believed in re-incarnation until I compared this galoot’s headshot with that of Joseph McCarthy. For those of you who didn’t pay attention in history class, that was the asshole Senator in the 50s who went around accusing everybody of being a Communist without a lick of evidence as he lapped up huge quantities of booze. The wet mouthed drunkard was eventually disgraced, as all rational thinking people know will be the fate of Theodore Cruz. He’s the Tea Party boy determined to destroy Obamacare mainly because it’s known as Obamacare. If it was Reagancare he’d be going door-to-door with a clip board begging you to sign up. The question about this Canadian born immigrant is where the hell is his birth certificate and papers to show he’s had all of his shots?
How about the addle-brained Governor of Texas, Rick Perry. In 2012 this shit-kicker couldn’t remember the three agencies he was going to dismantle once he became president so it’s no wonder he had selective amnesia when it came to his fondness for Negros. This sucker used to hunt at a place called Niggerhead. He denied it of course, but evidence is a bitch. In October 2011, the Washington Post reported that Perry’s family leases a hunting camp once called “Niggerhead“. According to some local residents interviewed by the Post, the Perrys used the camp for years before painting over a large rock with that name on it, which stands at an entrance to the area, and during this time Perry hosted friends and supporters at the camp. Perry’s campaign disputed the claims, stating that the Perrys painted over the rock almost immediately after acquiring a lease on the property in 1983. The Washington Post news reporter filing the October 1, 2011, news report interviewed seven people “…who spoke in detail of their memories of seeing the rock with the name at various points during the years that Perry was associated with the property through his father, partners or his signature on a lease”. Either way, John Brown he ain’t.
Rand Paul. Son of an over-reactionary perennial loser or a forward thinking politician sporting a semi-Jeri Curl? Who is the real Rand Paul? He labels himself a Libertarian. The last Republican to do so talked to an empty chair at one of their conventions. As far as Paul’s love of the Black man don’t let him bamboozle you. Asked if he thought a private business had the right to say it would not serve black people, he said: “I don’t want to be associated with those people, but I also don’t want to limit their speech in any way in the sense that we tolerate boorish and uncivilized behavior because that’s one of the things freedom requires.” Gotcha! Next!
The remainder of the declared and undeclared aren’t much better. Marco Rubio? A Latin against immigration. Who’s voting for this racial traitor? If he’s not a friend to his own you can pretty much surmise his depth of empathy for those with pigmentation down the line.
Chris Christie? For starters does he even look like he likes Black people? Would you go out for beers with him late at night and expect to get back home without a beat down by some of his blue collar diaper buddies from the docks? When you hear him speak does Chris sound like he’d stop violence against a Black person or be the guy reaching into his trunk to get a rope? Okay, forget what he looks like and the stereotypes. Let’s go by what he’s done. He dismantled the Affirmative Action program in his state. I’m sure he did that for the good of those people being helped. Pull yourself up by your boot straps I’m sure is what he meant by it. Well, while we’re making adjustments, why don’t you push yourself away from the dinner table, Jaba? Besides, Christie wants to abolish recreational and medical marijuana on the federal level and that’s not Black-friendly; not for this Black anyway.
Sarah Palin, anyone? Yeah, right. I know she’s not running (so far), but the fact she’s even allowed to utter syllables and still get coverage for doing so is too much. She should be censored, silenced and neutered. I’ve got a toenail smarter than this chick and as far as her stance of Blacks, she’s probably been to bed with a few, but would likely prefer to see us making beds sporting uniforms from her local Piggly Wiggly. This quote was credited to Palin, “White Privilege? With affirmative action, welfare, food stamps, and all those thugs getting athletic scholarships over more deserving white kids, I’d call it black privilege.” Allegedly she didn’t really say this. Who knows? At one time it was alleged that Barack Obama was a half-Kenyan socialist put in place to destroy the former America and pull the newly established model into the globalization of the 21st Century. There was even talk of him going to Cuba. Anyway . . . .
Scott Walker looks like he was one of Wally’s pals on “Leave it to Beaver”. However, he’s proven to be a tad bit wilier than Eddie Haskell and Lumpy. In 1990, the 22-year-old Walker (running for public office) spent days knocking on doors in the district, preaching a get-tough message. He wanted 200 more cops on the street and stronger mandatory sentences for drug dealers. “The number one fear is crime,” he wrote in a letter to Marquette students, asking them, again, to vote for him. “For too long, we have ignored this issue and now it is time to do something about it.” It was later stated that, “His campaign was one big dog whistle.” Congresswoman Gwen Moore (his opponent) believed that Walker’s anti-crime message was a way to speak to white voters’ fears of blacks without saying them aloud. “He had sort of insinuated sort of the worst stereotypes about black people [and] innate criminality.” In other words he’s a crafty cracker.
Then you have Ben Carson. He should be a friend to the Black man. He’s black. He’s a surgeon. He’s smart. He also talks like he was set to be the successor to Buckwheat had “The Little Rascals” continued. He’s the Herman Cain of the New Republican Party and another black man who is probably less a friend to the black man than the white man hunting at Niggerhead. Ever since he sold out to the ‘right’ he hasn’t done a single right thing for his own kind, but criticize them for not being him.
Mike Huckabee. Good luck to the Huck. He might be the only Republican worth a damn. In an article from 2008 entitled, “Do the Right Thing” Huckabee wrote, “One GOP primary debate was hosted by Tavis Smiley, the host of the PBS program bearing his name, & held at Morgan State, a historically black college in Baltimore. I was embarrassed that most of the GOP candidates had chosen to ignore this opportunity to show that we really were the party with a message of hope and opportunity for African Americans. Instead, by their unwillingness to appear, our “marquee players” had not only insulted and shown their disrespect for the African American community, but had only solidified the “we don’t care about you” image that has dogged Republicans in relation to the black community. Having received an almost unheard of 48% of the African American vote in Arkansas during my reelection campaign for governor, I knew that Republicans shouldn’t ignore this important constituency. The fact that I showed up and answered the questions with knowledge & compassion opened many doors to nontraditional Republicans and spoke to middle-class Americans across the country.” So we can see where he stands regarding the Black Man. Mike just doesn’t like gays. Can’t stand ‘em.
So there you have it. A field of racists and bigots. Whereas, with Hillary and I, you’ll know you’re getting friends to Blacks. She’s married to a white man they called black and she never publicly objected and I am Black, but not just Black. I’m the kind of Black you can bring home to your mama (if she’s anything like Angela Davis) and to various protest rallies throughout your community. I’m the kind of Black that was Black yesterday, Black today and I’ll be Black tomorrow. Don’t worry your pretty little heads about my platform. Most of you don’t follow that kind of stuff normally so why do it now? All you need to know is that I’m Black and I’m not a coon.
Thank you for your support.
By Darryl Littleton